Yankees to sign Billy Crystal

Yeah, that headline certainly caught me off guard last night. The first thing I did was look above the article for the date; it honestly crossed my mind that it was April 1st. But no, it was March 10th, and on March 13th, the movie star – a lifelong Yankee fan – will celebrate his 60th birthday as #60 for the New York Yankees.

It will be a spring training game, of course, but it’s still a huge honor for any Yankee fan to actually be a Yankee.

“I’ve been waiting 50 years for this call,” he said in a statement released yesterday. “I’m overwhelmed by the generosity of the Yankees and commissioner Selig. I know this’ll be tougher than the Broadway Softball League, but I’m looking forward to helping the younger players. … which, by the way, is all of them. Oops, I have to go, Scott Boras is on the phone.”

Crystal has a ton of respect for the Yankee organization and he seems like a likable guy, so I can’t really say this unlikely birthday present bothers me. But I do think it’s kind of silly. I mean is this Crazy Town? If this was a man who had a week to live and his dying wish was to play a spring training game for the Yankees, then this would be an honorable and perhaps necessary gesture. But this is Billy Crystal. This is Harry from When Harry Met Sally… He only differs from several thousand other devoted Yankee fans because he’s famous. Will Spike Lee be playing point guard for the Knicks soon?

And from the perspective of all the great ballplayers who never make it to the major leagues, who never quite achieve their dream of signing with a Major League ball club, I feel like this would get me a little riled up. I’m talking about those hard working blue collar men who barely make enough to support their families but never let their children forget that time they almost made the Big Leagues. Almost.

Then there’s this Crystal character, a man who has had a fantastically fortunate life – a Tony Award, some Emmies, millions of dollars, you name it. And now: Happy 60th, here is another dream fulfilled.

That son of a b-tch.

Come to think of it, maybe this situation does bother me a little bit.

Nah, it’s just ridiculous…

“All he gonna do is make a mess.”

Last night was the 2008 Sprite Slam Dunk Contest. I find the dunk contest to be far more enjoyable than the NBA All Star Game, which I could be watching right now by pressing the power button on my remote. This year’s dunk show featured a cupcake, a mini-hoop, and a Superman cape. In other words — it did not disappoint.

The winner was Dwight Howard, whose Superman Dunk will go down as one of the most entertaining jams in the contest’s history. Holy sh-t, there are clearly BIRDS living in my attic and they NEED TO STOP CHIRPING.

Getting back on topic, Dwight was introduced as “Superman” before tonight’s All Star Game, so – love it or hate it – he has given himself a new nickname for life. Dwight “Superman” Howard – the new Shaquille “Superman” O’Neal.

The Superman Jam was inspired by Dwight’s “favorite song,” which is unfortunately “Crank Dat (Soulja Boy)” by Soulja Boy. To me, this song is the epitome of bad hip hop. But I am not a black man who enjoys hip hop clubs. I am a white man who enjoys rock concerts. So I won’t judge. Below is a clip of Dwight doing the ridiculous Soulja Boy dance.

If you watched that clip, you likely heard the phrase “Superman dat hoe.” Well, this is the lyric that inspired the dunk, and I’m sorry for having looked up the meaning of the phrase when the song first gained popularity. I suggest you don’t, unless you are a fan of degrading sexual acts. Then it’s understandable.

I admit that Dwight deserved the Dunk Contest crown, as his other dunks were equally – if not more – impressive than the caped throw down. But unfortunately, Superman’s showing overshadowed what I felt was the most creative dunk of the night, Gerald Green’s Cupcake Dunk. It’s just as hilarious as it sounds. If you missed it, I won’t ruin it for you. The video is below.

Since I mentioned Shaquille in this post, I am going to tell myself that it would be appropriate and justified to close this out with some Shaq quotes, care of Shaqquotes.com.

“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.”

“I’m like the Pythagorean theorem. Not too many people know the answer to my game.”

“I am Superman. And the only thing that can kill Superman is Kryptonite. And Kryptonite doesn’t exist.”

“I’m on a mission. And I know the older I get, I may lose a step or two, but it’s all up in the medulla oblongata. I’ve got a lot up there. I’ve got a lot of knowledge… in this medulla oblongata.”

“Nietzsche was so intelligent and advanced. And that’s how I am. I’m the black, basketball-playing Nietzsche.”

I love you, Shaq. You’re irreplaceable.

Why I’m watching the Grammys tomorrow

The 50th annual Grammy Awards are tomorrow night. I have quite a diverse taste in music, so there are always some performances that I look forward to seeing. Lord knows I don’t anticipate them all. Kid Rock is performing. Kid Rock still sings?

This year, Kanye West will once again be performing, and although I lost all remaining respect for him after seeing this video (You know, the one where’s he’s whining backstage at the VMAs), he can still perform the hell out of a song and he’s almost as talented as he thinks he is. His set list will purportedly be composed of “Hey Mama” and the heavily Daft Punk-sampled “Stronger.”

But what I hope will make this milestone Grammy show stand out is the Beatles tribute. I had the privilege of seeing Cirque du Soleil’s LOVE in Las Vegas. If ANY performance can add some magic to a night where the talk of the Grammy world (Amy Winehouse) won’t even be present, it is aerial acrobat Alya Titarenko somersaulting to the sweet sounds of “A Day in the Life.” That might sound stupid, but trust me on this one. Have I ever led you astray? I’m your boy. I got you.

The “A Day in the Life” set will be opening the show (Edit: This performance didn’t open the Grammys. Credit this article for the misinformation), and I expect that the other Beatles performances that are in store for us will be just as spectacular. I am admittedly a big fan of the foursome, so I hope you enjoy these sets as much as I do. Actually, no. It’s impossible not to like Beatles songs, no matter who you are. Hope is unnecessary in this case. Hope is the Beatles. And we all love hope.

The picture below is of the visually stunning Box Office and entrance to the LOVE show at the Mirage. I took it myself, whereas all other pictures on this site are illegally stolen.

For more on LOVE, this video provides a better taste than any others I’ve seen. Really though, it doesn’t compare to being there. The sound quality and visual effects are awe-inspiring. So get on that.

2/11/08 Update: Here are some quality YouTube videos of Kanye West’s Grammy performance of “Stronger” (with special guest Daft Punk) and the “A Day in the Life/Let It Be” performance by LOVE and Across the Universe cast members.